Hey! Do you guys want to come grab food with a big group of people terrified of eating alone. Hey I’m your room mate. Please don’t be lame as shit. We’re gonna be best friends, until we find people we actually have something in common with. Oh I care way more about getting fucked up than going to class. I’m trying really hard to seem cooler than I was in high school and… It’s not working. My side of the room is way cuter than yours. Our room’s going to smell like weed… a lot. I’m politely offering to switch beds with you although we both know I’m not going to do it. Oh I’ll do anything I can to avoid confrontation. We’re going to be spending an unfortunate amount of time together. Hey, our parents already left so we’re acting like hot shit. Come on! Once we start rushing frats I’ll definitely stop hanging out with you. I’m only being nice to you because you have a fake I.D. This is my first time away from home and I’m actually terrified. I checked you out on Facebook, and your sister is really hot! I will hit on her when she visits. I’m trying to sleep with every girl I meet this week. We’re going to hook up once and then we’ll avoid eye contact for the four years. I am never going to clean this comforter. Maybe if I puke on it but probably still not. This is my boyfriend. We’re going to sex aisle you all the time. I’m going to resent the fuck out of that. I’ll never tell you when somethings bothering me, but I will be extremely passive aggressive about it. Hooking up with you will be the first mistake I make in college but definitely not the last. This room is kinda miserable but I’m 18 and absolutely anything is better than living with my parents. Oh I’m on scholarship so I’m only paying 20 grand to get fucked up. Remember what I look like now because I’m going to gain 15 pounds. I’m going to bring back a ton of frat boys and I don’t really care if you’re in here. I’ll pretend to be sleepin and hate every second of it. Also I’m huge ‘N Sync fan… No Strings Attached changed my life. Hi! I’m going to pursue you sexually.
-Now, check this out. Last night, I was checking out
at the grocery store, and the cover of “Cosmo”
caught my eye. It said something like, “Five ways to dirty talk
your man’s rod into space.” [ Laughter ] And all I could think was, “‘Cosmo’ magazine
makes a lot of assumptions.” The biggest one being that
anyone still buys magazines. [ Laughter ] Women’s magazines
are a perfect mix of thoughtful information
and complete trash. On one page, it’s what to expect
from your first gyno exam. And on the next page,
it’s a piece called “How to make yourself
a literal snack by putting dipping sauce
on your nipples.” [ Laughter and applause ] But I’ll be real. In high school,
I loved women’s magazines. I know! I used to learn from them,
which is a bad idea. [ Laughter ] I was an awkward 15-year-old who should have been learning
about how to kiss. Meanwhile, “Glamour”
was yelling at me like, “Are you a butt stuff girl?” [ Laughter ] [ Laughter continues ] I once read a tip
about “exciting your man” by using an ice cube
while giving a B.J. [ Laughter ] Yeah, nothing says “sexy” like giving someone a surprise
cold shower in your mouth. Sexy! And the “ways to please your
man” lists have gotten so ridiculous.
Do you not think so? Every other article is like, “20 ways to make your man
go cross-eyed.” “50 ways to make
your man’s butt explode.” “74 ways to grind
your man’s junk into raw beef.” Who has the time
to do 74 of anything? Listen, I can either
do one thing well or two things at 50%.
You pick, babe. 74. Don’t be dumb. The craziest thing about these
magazines is that we assume the author of these articles
are experts. “No, okay?” Because the people
who have the most sex are always rolling over
afterward and going, “Ah,
where’s my laptop? I’ve got to write 500 words
about this.” [ Laughter and applause ] And don’t get me started
on all the quizzes. Like, “Are you a wildcat
or a house cat in the bed?” And I’m just like,
“I’m whichever one is Garfield.” [ Laughter and applause ] I’m just in the back
eatin’ lasagna. [ Laughter and applause ] I once took a test that said,
on a scale of 1 to 100, it would tell me how sexually
adventurous I am. I literally got a three. [ Laughter ] The line after three said, “I’m sorry you lost
your genitals in a house fire.” [ Laughter ] But the thing that always
blew my mind were the quizzes you take
to find out if you’re in
a healthy relationship with your significant other. Taking a relationship survey
out of a women’s magazine is like going on WebMD. If you have that many symptoms,
you already know it’s cancer. [ Laughter and applause ] Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh. [ Laughter ] And in the middle of all
of these sex quizzes and tips, there’s always one article that
attempts serious journalism, about a girl who almost died because her heart
grew in backwards, but now she’s dating a guy whose
heart also grew in backwards. And the article is titled
“Inside Out: How My Backwards Heart
Led Me Forward To Love.” [ Laughter and applause ] And by the end,
all you’ve learned is that people
with backwards hearts can only do it doggy-style. [ Laughter and applause ] Now, don’t get me wrong. Men’s magazines
are just as stupid. They’re all about
which celebs are the hottest, which cars are the fastest, and which musky cologne
smells the muskiest. But you know what you don’t see on the cover
of a lot of men’s magazines? 900 ways to please your woman. [ Cheers and applause ] Yep. [ Cheers and applause ] Which is ironic,
because, as opposed to men, there are actually 900 ways
to please a woman. [ Cheers and applause ] It’s like — It’s like
if there were 400 articles telling you how to fly a kite and 1 about how to operate
an airplane. There are a few really simple
ways to please women that men need to learn. Start with cleaning up
after yourself. [ Laughter and applause ] Notice that we got
our hair done. And, I don’t know — learn how to spell the alphabet
with your tongue.
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Old Macdonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O And on his farm he had a cow, E-I-E-I-O With a “moo-moo” here and a “moo-moo” there here a “moo” there a “moo” everywhere a “moo-moo” Old Macdonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O Old Macdonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O And on his farm he had a pig, E-I-E-I-O With a (snort) here and a (snort) there
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-Now, I thought I’d share some
of my favorite “College In Six Words”
responses from you guys. This first one is from
@Abbylampe. She says, “If it’s due tomorrow,
do tomorrow.” -Yeah. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] -This next one’s
from @ryanbartholomee. He says, “$150 textbook sells
back for 5 bucks.” And that’s
[ Laughter and applause ] That is so true. -One beer.
-Yeah, that is barely one beer. Yeah. This one’s from @itskatelambert. I wonder if that’s her,
or if she says that as she was signing up
for twitter, like, “It’s Kate Lambert.” Oh, no.
-Oh, shoot. She was doing it in her phone.
[email protected] She says, “Febreze counts as
actually doing laundry.” -Yeah, come on! -That’s true.
-It does. -All great advice. This is from @alexsch99. -Sch99? -Sch99.
-Sch99. -Alexsch99. She says, “One white claw won’t
kill me.” [ Cheers and applause ] -One’s too many
and a million’s not enough. -Yeah.
[ Light laughter ] Then an hour later, “Six white
claws won’t kill me.” [ Laughter ] This one’s from @joshuagrotheer. He says, “Just know that Cs
get degrees.” -Yeah! [ Laughter and applause ] -This is one from @taughnee. She says, “Food or beer,
food or beer?” [ Laughter and applause ] That’s college in six words.
-That’s it, yeah. -Ugghh — -Beer. -This one’s from
@jenlinnriddell. She says, “Way before social
media. Thank God.” [ Light laughter ] [ Applause ]
-Come on. -Our crowd is very young.
-Very young. -Yeah, but if you were in
college before social media… -Ask your parents.
-Yeah. This one is from
@ariannanicolexP. She says, “Failing 17 classes,
only in 6.” [ Laughter and applause ] College in six words. This is from @krissyyelyse. She says, “When in doubt,
nap it out.” [ Laughter and applause ] This one’s from @jackyboy223. -Yeah.
-He says, “I’m never drinking again,
until tomorrow.” [ Cheers and applause ] -That’s a good one. -They’re all winners.
-That’s a winner. They’re all winners. -Yeah. This last one here is from
@TOP5LIST5. -Wait a second. -TOP5LIST5? -TOP5LIST5 is the name
of this person. @TOP5LIST5. -What is it? -[ Light laughter ] -College in six words.
-Six words. -He says, “Best eight years
of my life.” There you go, everybody. Those are the “Tonight Show”
hashtags. Check out more of our favorites,
go to tonightshow.com/hashtags.